The Essence of a Better Relationship

If there is anything I have learned in my own life and the lives of those I have helped, it is that we are all here to create a better relationship
with all those around us as we individually experience our own joys, sorrows and overall discoveries. It is in our attempt to share these experiences with each other that we learn and grow and hopefully minimize our experience of ultimate solitude. It is through everything that we try to communicate our experience, among them being our gestures, our glance, our music and our words.

It is also within the limitations of these forms of communication that we often find ourselves trapped or detoured, for we cannot fully capture the essence of our experience. Just as a hot cup of coffee immediately begins to radiate its heat and aroma, so too, do we continuously emanate our essence. It is this constant balance of obtaining, sharing and losing this pure essence in our relationships that we try very hard to maintain. This process of capturing, sharing and releasing essence seems to encompass the majority of our lives and is the focus of our attempts at creating a better relationship with those around us.

For it is in the process of losing essence that I believe we become confused, disoriented and fearful. It is the power of this fear that detracts us from the overall balance of essence within our relationships and motivates us to focus solely on preventing its loss. It is here that we can all relate, as we experience desperation, anger, fear, hopelessness, embarrassment, and shame. Upsetting this delicate flow and balance of essence as it enters and leaves our relationships can lead to feelings of defensiveness, selfishness, greed and the need for power and control. This can easily intensify as our fear of its loss increases and most likely lead us further from creating a better relationship with our loved ones.

The primary concept of the flow of essence isn't new, however, serves as a double-edged sword in our relationships, on one end being something we seek and on the other, something we fear. It is the influx, the acceptance of what the universe brings us that we welcome. The arrival of joy, abundance, prosperity and peace creates an opportunity for us to recharge the essence within. We experience this whenever there is a newness in our lives. Sunrises, a new pair of jeans, a first kiss and that first bite of that anticipated meal, are all examples of times in our life when we can feel that surge of essence appear.

It is the birth of newborns, anniversaries, and all of our firsts that we collectively celebrate, especially in the relationships with our loved ones. We honor those who are able to be first and symbolically reward those who are able to get the closest to pure essence. By giving gold medals, awards and publicly honoring those who are able to obtain pure essence, we seem to let each other know the many ways to experience essence and what has worked the best.

It was on a trip to Spain, celebrating ten years of marriage with my wife that I was able to observe this concept in action. As my wife and I had never traveled to Spain before we were excited to share plans of our trip with those in our life. Whether those hearing of our travel plans had visited Spain themselves or not, the reactions were always the same, one of joy, excitement, well wishes and wonder. Those who had never traveled to Spain before wanted to share in our excitement and experience, the essence that our travels would bring as well. Those that had been to Spain before always without fail, would offer advice on where to go and what sites to see, hoping that we would experience the essence as they had. And although hearing of our plans to travel was not a "first" for them, they remembered what it felt like to bring the essence of this "first" into their lives.

It is this state of being, the receiving of essence that we wish to share with all of our relationships, hoping that they will feel the same as we did when we first experienced it. It is this state of being, that we truly feel alive, when time ceases to exist and when all that seemed to matter fades away only to reveal what truly is. This concept is important to keep in mind when trying to better our relationships, since it often is the key reason why relationships fail. In this way, understanding the essential function of essence in our lives can help us create a healthier, happier existence in all facets of our lives and relationships.