Have you ever just had an exchange with someone and found yourself saying in exasperation – “Would you just grow up!” Do you know people who seem to predominantly react in ‘defence’ mode? Do you know people who just can’t see anyone else’s perspective but their own? Do you know people who seem to have no sense of self-awareness? Do you know of people who have no concept of their impact on others? More importantly do you know if you are one of these people?

The buzz word in the field of executive coaching these days is “emotional intelligence.” There has been a growing awareness that the high flyers who make it to the top, while successful, are also getting in their own way of achieving even more success for themselves and their teams, due to their lack of emotional intelligence. This was becoming more of an issue due to the accelerated pace of change that we have been witnessing in our time. There has been a growing realisation, that successfully coping with the fast pace of change in today’s world requires certain attitudes and beliefs as opposed to possessing the “smarts.”

“Learning to live with change, to embrace it and not to be frightened by it is a task for us all, and involves not so much cognitive abilities as appropriate feeling and attitudes”

Tim Sparrow & Amanda Knight (Applied Emotional Intelligence p 3)

If you think about it, the end of the day – life is all about relationships and how they are managed. It is about our relationship with our self and how we manage our emotions. And it’s about our relationship with others and how we manage all that goes on between them and ourselves.

It’s a funny thing but some people think that once they reach adulthood they have arrived and can stop growing and learning. And couples in relationships fall into this trap. They don’t think they are supposed to grow.

Can you imagine being in a job where you stopped learning, growing and developing relevant skills as you continue to be confronted with change? Successful people know they have to embrace change or they will be sidelined.

What we forget is that it’s no different when it comes to ourselves and our relationships. The same skills, attitudes and beliefs that help us to successfully cope wtth change in the world and the work place are no different than the skills, attitudes and beliefs we need to successfully cope with changes in the world around us that impact us personally and also our relationships.

“The problem is that people often don’t grow because it has never occurred to them that they are supposed to. You are not the same person you were as a teenager, or when in your first ever relationship or as you were in your first job. People in relationships change, and likewise the circumstances that impact our relationships change. That means that relationships require constant adaptation”

Susanne Jorgensen (Get Real! Relationship Success Is An Inside Job, p78)

If you want better relationships with others, if you want to find your ideal partner you have to start with your relationship with yourself. If you aren’t sure what your relationship is to yourself, then look at those people around you. They say you are most like the top 5 people you spend the most time with. Take your top 5 people and imagine they are a mirror that is a reflection of you. What are your mirrors reflecting back to you?

Often what we want in a relationship is something that we should be doing for ourselves. You might want to be in a relationship because you aren’t comfortable with yourself on your own. You might want to be in a relationship because it will make you feel loved and wanted. You may want to be in a relationship to feel secure.

The irony, if you aren’t comfortable with who you are – why would someone else be? If you don’t love and want yourself – why would anyone else want to? If you don’t feel secure – how will anyone feel that with you?

Are you wanting a relationship in order to have the things you should be doing for yourself? Getting into a relationship for the wrong reason is a mistake that is easily made. You think that you will feel more ‘whole’ when you are in a relationship. But two half people don’t make a ‘whole’ relationship.

“To live with other people in sharing, giving, loving relationships we need to feel whole.”

Dorothy Rowe (The Successful Self p 70)

The good news is that because we are talking about attitudes, beliefs, habits of thinking and behaving rather than innate qualities and characteristics (the ones we are born with), we can choose to become who we want to be. And modern research is confirming the ‘plasticity’ of the brain – it’s capacity to change, adapt and create new neural networks through the process of learning.

How Do I G R O W?

* Get Real! Work on becoming more of you, not less of you or who you think others think you should be. Work on being authentic and being the best version of you that you can be. And who you become will be reflected in who you attract.
* Responsibility. You must take 100% responsibility. No blaming others, your current situation or your past. You have the power of choice and you decide every day how you exercise that.
* Ok. Rememer, you are OK. You may feel stuck, but you aren’t damaged goods. You may have interferences (limiting beliefs, attitudes, behaviours) but you can change and manage those. You are not your behaviours – your behaviours are strategies that you learned to cope in the best way you could at the time you learned them. As you grow you learn better strategies.
* Want. Get clear about what you really want. Look at where you are now and create a map. Think about the resources you have at hand – both external and internal ones. Think about the resources you need and where you can get them. Read – take on new habits. Get coaching. Hang around people who you want to be more like.

“Being single is an opportunity to ready yourself to attract the love of your life. ….As a single, if you are not happy with your life or yourself, a relationship will not fix that”

David Steele (Conscious Dating, p 61)

Susanne Jorgensen is the author of Get Real! Relationship Success Is An Inside Job - http://tinyurl.com/yjfbjk3

Author's Bio: 

My name is Susanne Jorgensen of the Singles Gym – I am a relationship coach and professional psychologist who works with single people to help them develop the beliefs and strategies for creating successful lives and attracting successful relationships.