The A-Z Guide For Successful Singles – C is for Confidence »

You just wish you could feel more confident because if you did, then you would go out more, you would date more, you would quit staying in lousy relationships, you would change your job, you would take that trip, you would apply for that promotion – if only you felt more confident. Recognise yourself in any of these statements? If so take heart – there is hope. Firstly let’s just clarify a few myths about confidence:

Myths:

* Most people are confident
* You are either born with confidence or you’re not
* When you are confident, you always feel good

Reality:

* Many people, even those who appear confident wish they were more confident
* You can develop confidence through using effective strategies
* Confident people can still feel nervous or unsure at times or confident in one situation but not in another situation

The Secret Of Confident People

At times everyone feels nervous or fearful about something – we are after all human. Sometimes people can be very confident in one situation and feel quite anxious in another. I have a friend who has no problem speaking at seminars with hundreds of people, but was a nervous wreck with the thought of having to make a speech, recently, at his wedding.

Here’s the secret of confident people: There is no secret – There is no magic that confident people have that the rest of us don’t.

The only difference between confident and unconfident people is best put in the words of Susan Jeffers. Confident people, “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Unconfident people let their fear control them. They tend not to step out of their comfort zone. When they do attempt to step out of their comfort zone, they stop doing what they want to be doing, when they feel the fear. They allow their fear to paralyze them and they retreat back into the safety of their comfort zones. As they repeat this behaviour over and over again, eventually all their decisions and choices in life are determined by how they feel.

“The difference between confident people and less confident people is not in how much they feel fear or anxiety, but in how confident people put up with those feelings and deal with their situation regardless.”

Rob Yeung (Confidence, The Art of Getting Whatever You Want, p5)

Confident people, on the other hand may feel the fear but their approach to the fear is different. They refuse to let their fears control them. They find ways to push through worries and fears. They keep their eye firmly fixed on what they want and they learn the behaviours and strategies that help them, step by step to get what they want. What they refuse to do is to give into their fears and let their fears control their choices and decisions.

In my private practice I get a lot of referrals for people suffering all kinds of “anxiety disorders.” People come to me hoping I have some technique that will help them to suddenly feel confident or they hope I will help them “find” their confidence somewhere in my office. They get trapped in the “If only….then” or the “When . . .then” syndromes which go something like this:

* “If I were confident then I would be out dating “
* “When I’m feeling confident then I’ll start going out and meeting people “

There are two things I tell my clients and I’m telling you:

* You don’t get confidence by sitting and talking about it
* You have two choices when you “feel the fear”:
o You ‘feed it’
o You ‘fight it’

Confidence is about taking action. Confidence is about your belief in your ability to solve problems, get through challenges and achieve. That’s the simple, bottom line truth.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “Yeah, It’s simple but not easy.” My answer to that is both “yes” and “no.” Yes it is easy – and “no” it isn’t easy because it doesn’t feel easy.

I recently worked with a lovely lady who had been on a bus which was involved in a car accident. Four years later after haggling with insurance companies she was referred to me. You can only imagine where four years of avoiding initially buses, then all public transportation, then of even going out of her home left her. Allowing her fears to take over left her stuck in her home which became her comfort zone but also became her prison. As she said to me, “I’m not living anymore, I’m merely existing.”

Here was a woman who had beaten cancer but who was paralyzed by fear at the thought of stepping on a bus. She had been telling herself stories for four years about the bus being “the monster” she couldn’t conquer.

Twelve session later she has conquered her “monster” and is getting back in the highway of life – and her confidence has soared!

Getting Confident – Taking Your Power Back

When your decisions are determined by someone else or something else – like fear, you have given your power away. By working on building your confidence you take your power and control of your life back into your hands.

* Know what you want
* Know what actions will take you to your goal
* Know that it’s ok to ‘feel the fear’ – your job is manage the feeling
* Learn techniques to help you manage your feelings
* Break down your actions into the smallest steps that you know you can manage
* Move towards your goal one tiny step at a time
* Celebrate when you reach your goal
* Constantly practice moving further outside your comfort zone, a bit at a time

As the John Nike adverts says “Just Do It!”

Ask yourself the question when you are about to let fear control you: “Do I want to spend the rest of my life committed to keeping safe, or do I want to break free and find love again?”

“Each time a fear is conquered, you grow and become more confident”

Susanne Jorgensen (GetReal! Relationship Success Is An Inside Job, p 83)

Confident singles feel good about who they are, they enjoy their life and they are those who naturally attract.