When I bring this topic up with clients, or when I am speaking to a group, I am often met with shocked gasps, disbelief, confusion, curiosity, and even distain. Many women fear the thought of a becoming woman being passionate, open and sharing, and fully satisfying herself and her husband. There is a sense of ‘loss of identity’ whenever you mention the word intimacy.

I wrote this article to address the bitterness behind so many discussions on this topic. Normally, I do not quote scripture in articles. But this time, I want to address the misconceptions that are ruining marriages, lives, and destroying families.

My heart breaks when I hear women talk about taboos in their sex life, things they wouldn’t talk about with their husband, their own fears about their bodies, bondage from abuse in the past, etc. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the following statements:

“I was taught so many negatives about sex, I never even tried to enjoy it.”
“I just don’t care anymore”
“My grandmother said to close my eyes and hum hymns until it was over.”
“I am not normal, there is something wrong.”
“I have never climaxed.”
“I am too embarrassed.”
“The bible says not to __________________”
“I feel like I am sinning every time my husband touches me.”
“My husband and I cannot do it normally due to a medical problem, and anything else is a sin.”
“There is nowhere in the bible that states that sex should be enjoyed.”
“Sex is just for procreation – anything else is a sin.”

Step 1 to Sexual Freedom – Redefining Misunderstood Beliefs

The first thing to realize is that God created you – and God doesn’t make mistakes. Take a moment to let that statement sink in. Yes, we have a sinful nature, but we are also empowered by the Holy Spirit. Christ is with us. What does that mean? It means that anything a Christian woman wants is not wrong. Believe me, in my years as a counsellor and coach, I’ve seen the sexual sinfulness and degradation of the world - but almost never in a Christian woman, even one saved after becoming sexually active.

The first step is to realize that many of the above statements come from women who are just parroting what someone else told them. These beliefs are not based on New Testament truths. Many of the times women pass on what seems like good advice, but it was based on their own pain, rejection, fears, likes and dislikes.

Other women have been taught by the medical world that intercourse is normal, but oral and self stimulation are deviant or are male-envy. (I will not use Freud’s actual term when addressing this audience.) This is far from the truth, as today’s psychologists are finding. The mentally healthy woman is creative. She is fierce and loyal. She gives, but she never runs out of passion because she also can receive. This is the woman that God created in Eve.

Let’s look at what The Apostle Paul said about Marriage Relationships:

Ephesians 5 is a strong verse. Here Paul is stating that a couple are one. They are joined. The wife is to respect her husband – submit doesn’t mean obey – and the husband is to love his wife as he loves his own body. Here is a clue. Men think about sex. They ‘expect’ to enjoy it. To be frigid and withdrawn from your husband is to deny him the privilege of living out this theme. Paul even alludes to the fact that a man cannot be content with himself unless he loves his wife.

Now we know that Paul is not talking about sex, but sex is only one part of the overall package of marriage. You cannot focus on one aspect of life, without focusing on them all. You must have balance.

Remember that Paul knew about sexual perversion. The City of Corinth was one of the most lewd and promiscuous places on the world, possibly in history.

Genesis 2:18 is one of the most overlooked verses in marriage counselling. It is not good for the man to be alone: I will make him a helper suitable for him.” You were wonderfully made to be a friend to God, and to be the ‘suitable’ for your husband. God created marriage to be pleasurable.

Proverbs 5:17 “Enjoy the wife of your youth” Proverbs does not say ‘stay loyal’ or ‘faithful’ but to enjoy.

Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge” I have asked many people, seminary professors and pastors, lay people, counsellors a single question on this verse. “If there was any wrong act for a Christian husband and woman then why wouldn’t Paul have mentioned it here along with adultery and fornication?” The answer is simple.

We can accept as fact that Paul was one of the most educated philosophers of his time. It didn’t matter which city he went, anywhere in the Roman Empire, he was always given the podium to speak from. If we accept that Paul taught that the only way to defile the marriage bed was fornication and adultery, then we must assume that Paul, who knew the bible scriptures as well as any Rabbi, and was educated by the best, said exactly what he meant.

We can expand this. “To the pure, all things are pure; but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled” Titus 1:15.

Paul also told men that they should marry if they could not control themselves, 1 Cor 7:7, and that widows should remarry. Paul doesn’t mention any sexual sin, tell people to stop sinning, tell married couples to refrain and control themselves. Paul uses the words ‘burn with passion.’ That doesn’t sound like the cold, missionary style, experience that many women of today’s generation believe their sexual experience is suppose to be.

What is it like to burn with passion? What does defile? These are easy. The New Testament states them over and over: an uncontrolled tongue, anger, arrogance and pride, greed, fornication, lying, and a few others. Not loving your wife in the sexual act can defile the bed. A husband is not told to be loving in all situations – except specific segments of marriage.

1Co 7:3-5 ESV The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. (4) For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (5) Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Again we see Paul teaching with no mention of what ‘rights’ are acceptable, and what are considered sin. Paul could have easily brought forward Old Testament principles – he did this regularly in his sermons. In fact, he created a type of preaching identified by his consistent reference to the Old Testament – when it mattered. Yet in 1 Corinthians, where the Christians came from a lewd and deprived culture, he did not mention that any specific act was sinful, as long as it was with your wife.

There are more clues as to what is right, and what is wrong. Sexual problems are almost always founded in anger and pain. Once we are healed of these, our ability to enjoy ourselves and others increase. Once we are willing to open intimately to another person, we experience joy in relationships both emotionally and physically.

The truth is, many lay people think that by reading one verse and sounding ‘important’ that they are right. Unfortunately, many seminary professors, theologians, and people who read and understand Hebrew and Greek are not as convinced – about masturbation, oral, or anal. There is only one thing they can agree on. First, it must not cause pain. Second, it must be fully consented and enjoyed by both parties. Third, it must bring both people into a more intimate relationship.

The problem arises in the translations of words. It is wrong to look at the word sodomy in Webster’s dictionary and believe that is the meaning of the word in another culture, thousands of years ago. In fact, it may not have been the meaning of the word a hundred years ago. Sodomy may have referred to homosexual acts. It may not. We just don’t know. The only ones who pretend to know are those with the least biblical education.

Another Point to Think About

If we take the bible at its word – literally, as many lay people claim we should when they create a dogma based on a single verse – then we must submit to the leadership of the church, above our pastor, and as high as the head of the denomination. This includes those who teach and mentor your pastor, including the theologians, seminary professors, and those who read and understand Hebrew and Greek. It is a sin to follow the teaching of a friend, or a colleague, or your own mind, and rebelling of the teaching of the bible, and the church leaders.

I hope you found some freedom in this article. It might be a good idea to print this article off and discuss it with your spouse. Pray over it, and decide which direction God wants you to follow in your life. If you are still unsure then contact a Christian counsellor or coach who can help you determine what is right. Because, unfortunately, for every professor or theologian who makes a statement that oral and anal are sins, there is one equally as educated professor who says it is not. Ultimately, you stand on your own decisions before God – based on the ‘fruits’ produced in your marriage.

Author's Bio: 

Suzanne James has 10 years experience as an online life coach and using the telephone to facilitate her coaching strategy. She has vast experience helping clients reset their core values, make changes in their communication and relationship styles, and take back control of their lives. There is a wealth of information on her website: http://www.suzannejames.com