Is it any wonder that couples in arranged marriages tend to stay together longer than those that find each other by chance? This statistic struck me as being incredible. You would think that two people who come together from a spark of love would have a better chance of a life long relationship than those who meet just prior to the wedding (in some cases at the time of their vows). Of course there is the careful ingenuity of the matchmaker who with her experience has the advantage of knowing each person intimately to make a rational judgment. But apart from the skill of the matchmaker there must be some other factor at work.

Couples who marry out of arrangement have little expectations for each other (usually) and by nature they work together to solve issues as they arise. Not true for the couple who meet spontaneously, as they expect everything to be perfect.


Our goals, dreams and all other expectations for the future paint an ideal situation when it comes to marriage and the relationship with our spouses. Never do we plan for a poor marriage, riddled with un-ending fights and disputes. No, we tend to envision ourselves in each other’s embrace for eternity smiling and dancing our way to happiness. The reality is that we live in a world that has a mind of its own. We are constantly bombarded by challenges and stresses of everyday events. This however never makes it to our thought processes until well after the honeymoon has passed.

The problem we face is the inevitable letdown of expectations. We expect a perfect flight even though challenges will continue to derail us to perfect bliss. We never expect to have financial issues – although finances are the number one factor in a great percentage of breakups. So what are we to do?

Set Goals and Handle Challenges One at a Time

In Anthony Robbin’s book “Unlimited Power” he talks about the perfect formula for success. Adequately, it plays around the notion that nothing is perfect but that we need to continue to evaluate and change our approach in the evolution process. This formula for success also holds true for relationships. We set our goals – “the perfect marriage” and we take massive action to make it happen. But we also analyze the process along the way and make necessary corrections “change our approach” to continue evolving the relationship. For instance, a perfect marriage may mean “no arguments” but you find after a few months of marriage that there are fights and disagreements. According to the “Unlimited Power” principle the step to take is to change your approach. Here is how you do it:

STEP 1: Know what it is that you want: “marriage with no arguments” (note a perfect marriage may mean a number of different things to you and therefore you need to follow through on these steps for EACH one of your requirements).

STEP 2: Take massive action to make this happen. In the case of “marriage with no arguments” you need to make a specific attempt not to argue (simple enough).

STEP 3: Check to see if it’s working or it’s not. Well you just had three arguments in the past week regarding house cleaning chores! You come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s not working.

STEP 4: Now this is where happy couples and those doom to failure usually branch off. If something isn’t working you need to “Change your approach”. For many couples, the fights are handled symptomatically. That is you match the fight with one of your own. You may say “Well I can’t do the dishes tonight. I’m tired I had a tough day at work!” etc. The fight only escalates from there.

The successful couple will change their approach. Instead of reacting to the fight, they analyze what is working and what isn’t and they change their approach. Perhaps in this last example, the couple will think through and determine that they are simply too busy to keep up with house work. So they change their approach and get a temporary cleaner to come in a few times a week to do house chores. That’s it! This argument was nipped in the bud and they are on to the next challenge.

If you continue to address each challenge this way you will soon find out that there are fewer arguments worth fighting about. Eventually, you will find your relationship free of pitfalls.

Author's Bio: 

By Phil Cosmo
Owner and operator of

Phil has worked with many couples over the years and has developed working strategies for helping couples rekindle their love for each other.