At this point in time, a man could be with a woman who is anything but his equal, and this might be how it has been with a number of other women. Now, she might be the same age as him or very close to his age, or there could be a number of years between them.

However, regardless of this, she could be more like his daughter and, he himself, could be more like her father. He is then going to be the one with most if not all of the power and she will have very little if any power.

An Imbalance

Thanks to this, he is likely to make most of the decisions in their relationship and he could tell her how to live her life, too. To use an analogy: if they were in a car, he would always be in the driver’s seat and be the one who decides where the car goes.

Yet, although she will act as though she is nothing more than an extension of him and doesn’t have her own needs and feelings, this might not bother her. Or, to be more accurate, she might create this impression.


Based on how she behaves, it could be as if she is happy to be there for him in this way and follow his lead. He will be a normal human being but she will see him as some kind of all-knowing and all-powerful god.

But, as she won’t be listening to herself and will be pleasing her partner, it is highly likely that she is not happy with what is going on, deep down. If she is not in touch with how she really feels and this part of her is repressed, it could show that she was emotionally if not physically abandoned during her formative years.

For example

So, when she was growing up, she may have had a mother and/or a father that was very domineering. As a result of this, her boundaries wouldn’t have been respected and she wouldn’t have been able to freely express herself; she would have been walked over and forced to please one of her parents.

This would then have caused her true self to gradually go into hiding and for her to create a false self that was focused on the needs of others. Being submissive and easy-going at this stage of her life was a way for her to survive and while this stage of her life will be over, deep down, she won’t realise this.

A Replay

Assuming that this is what took place, it won’t be a surprise that she has ended up with a man who is very controlling. It will have been fear, not love that bonded her to one or both of her parents and she will be in another relationship that is based on fear and not love.

This might not be the first time that this has taken place either, with her having been in this position on at least one other occasion. She is likely to have unconsciously re-created her early experience to try to receive the love that she missed out on.

The other Side

And, even though she will be compromising herself, this is unlikely to be something that the man cares about. He can believe that it is her duty to follow his lead and do what he wants.

If she no longer played the same role and started to act like an individual, he might soon lose his temper to try to force her to go back to how she was before. He could make it clear that she needs his permission before she does something and that he has her best interests at heart.

A Facade

On one hand, then, there will be what is going on for the woman that is causing her to behave in this way, and, on the other, there will be what is going on for the man. Thus, if he does come across as strong and ‘successful’, this is likely to be an illusion.

Behind the strength that he projects is likely to be someone that feels totally powerless and is carrying a lot of hurt. If this is the case, controlling the women that he is with will be a way for him to avoid how he feels deep down.

Two levels

At a conscious level, he might typically experience ‘positive’ feelings and, outside of his conscious awareness, will be a lot of ‘negative’ feelings. With this in mind, controlling the women that he is with is nothing more than a means to an end.

The reason he feels powerless and deeply hurt can be due to the fact that his early years were anything but nurturing. His mother and/or father might have abused their power and violated him in a variety of different ways, which would have deeply wounded him.

A Brutal Time

He would have been deprived of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way and he would have learned that people couldn’t be trusted. To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed how he felt and he would have lost touch with his true self.

The outcome of this is that he would have ended up creating a disconnected and inflated false self. Many, many years will have passed and his conscious mind might have more or less forgotten about what took place, but, below this false self, will be a lot of hurt and being in control will play a key part in what will stop this inner material from entering his conscious awareness.

Waking Up

Another part of this is that he will unconsciously see the woman as his mother and/or father, and this part of him will then believe that if he doesn’t take control, he will end up being controlled. He will no longer be a powerless child, then, but as he is carrying a lot of pain, he won’t know, deep down, that this stage of his life is over.

Due to how strong his need will be to keep this pain at bay, it might take something significant for him to see what is going on. A breakup, a job loss or a serious illness could be what starts to shatter his defences and slowly introduces him to what he has been avoiding for however long.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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