Questions and Intent

“What in the world are you talking about?!” “Why did you do that?” “How can you act like this?!” These are questions that I have at times asked in frustration, sometimes in my mind, other times vocally. But when I ask these questions, what is my purpose? Most of the time, I am trying to “help” the person I am speaking to, by letting them “know” that they are wrong. But how can I possibly know they are wrong? In nearly every confrontational situation, assumptions are made and people are judged before the situation is fully understood. Questions are much too often used for the purpose of teaching, instead of a much more valuable purpose: learning.

Everybody has a motivating force which, in their minds, validates their actions. It is my job to see that motivation and understand it. To accomplish this, I can ask the same questions listed above, but I need to change my intent. “I don’t understand what you are saying. Could you re-word it?” “That sounds like a tough situation, what did you do?...How did it go?” “How are you feeling?” These questions are getting at the same thing as the first questions except that in these cases, I am trying to understand the motivating force behind the situation. When I discover this force, I may or may not agree with it, but I will better understand the issue at hand. If I only view things from my own perspective, I will always be “right.” But if I take a minute to look at the perspective of those around me, I will very often discover that I am mistaken. Being wrong is similar to facing uncertainty in that it is an opportunity for growth. But I can’t come to the realization of being wrong if I do not first seek to understand the perspective of my peers.

When I am wrong, I have the chance to correct myself. I come to a new understanding of the situation which means I have learned something new and I grow! Being wrong is another thing that scares me. It also demonstrates another example of the direct correlation between facing my fears and growing.

When I am not willing to ask questions with the intent of better understanding the person I am communicating with, it is as if I am a contestant on, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, locking in my answer based on an assumption. If I’m wrong I could lose a LOT. In real life, however, I have access to unlimited phone-a-friend lifelines, and I am never required to make a guess. Yet I still do it every day. I make stupid assumptions about what a girl thinks of me. I assume my roommate didn’t wash his dishes because he is lazy. I assume that the dentist I am job shadowing thinks I don’t have what it takes to be a dentist. I assume my good friend would never want to be more than friends. Why do I make these assumptions instead of asking the questions that will help me know how things really are? Fear. Stupid fear. I get scared of what people’s answers will be if I ask a sincere question. I get scared of any expectations that may come with that answer. But when I cower away from these questions, no change can occur. There can be no progress without change. If I break down the above situations, it is easy to see that putting effort into understanding the people and situations around me is always a good idea.

Situation:
A girl I took out on one date didn’t send an after-date text.
My Assumption:
I assume she did not have a good time and is not interested in another date. I do nothing and am left to wonder if my assumption was correct.
Alternative:
I ask her out again. 1 - She says yes. This gives me an opportunity to get to know her better and understand who she is. 2 - She says no and I know she is not interested. I move on with no doubts in my mind.

Situation:
My roommate didn’t wash his dishes.
My Assumption:
He is lazy. I am annoyed with him and he never even knows it. He can’t fix anything because he doesn’t know anything is wrong.
Alternative:
I ask him how school is going. He tells me it’s crazy busy all the time and he feels like he is running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I will better understand why he hasn’t been doing a great job with washing his dishes and it won’t be so frustrating.

Situation:
I am shadowing a dentist and there is a lot of silence.
My Assumption:
The dentist thinks I am not a people person and that I should not be going into dentistry.
Alternative:
I ask the dentist if it bothers him to have me talking while he is working with a patient. That way I won’t be stepping on his feet, and if it does bother him, I will stop talking and it will be exactly what he wants. If he doesn’t mind talking, I can ask all the questions that will help me be better prepared for dental school and a career in dentistry.

Situation:
I have been good friends with a girl for a long time and am considering dating her.
My Assumption:
She doesn’t want to mess with our friendship by trying to date.
Alternative:
If we are good friends, there should be no problem talking about this even though it is scary. I take her on a couple dates, see how things are going, and ask her what she thinks of it all. Once again, this eliminates any doubts that may have existed.

It is important to be understood. Even more important is understanding others. As long as my focus is on myself, I will NEVER be understood. THE MORE EFFORT I PUT INTO UNDERSTANDING THE PEOPLE AROUND ME, THE MORE I WILL BE UNDERSTOOD. Asking the right questions with the right intent is the very best way to progress towards becoming the person I want to be.

CHALLENGE - PAY ATTENTION TO THE ASSUMPTIONS YOU MAKE EACH DAY. WRITE THEM DOWN, AND WRITE DOWN AN ALTERNATIVE TO EACH ASSUMPTION. SET UP A PLAN TO EXECUTE THE ALTERNATIVE THE NEXT TIME THE SITUATION PRESENTS ITSELF.

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Author's Bio: 

My name is Jake Andersen. I’m a dental student, a fan of change, and I believe that my words make a difference. I’ve always been interested in change and improvement. After reading several books, often having a hard time applying them to my own situation, I began writing my own material utilizing “I” and “me” as much as possible. I’ve found that it helps my readers to better relate to the material and apply it to their own situations. I encourage you, the reader, to do the same. Peace.

Jake Andersen
Jmandersen86@gmail.com
http://brushflossandmouthwash.com