If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what might stand out is that they have the tendency to put other people’s needs first. They may see that this takes place without them even thinking about it.

Naturally, the outcome of this is that they will also have the tendency to ignore their own needs. So, while this will allow them to please others and receive a lot of positive feedback in the process, they will neglect themselves.

Inner Conflict

At this point, they could be well and truly fed up with living in this way. But, although this is likely to be the case, they could find that their need to behave in this way is so strong that they are unable to simply change their behaviour.

In fact, it could be as if someone or something ‘out there’ is making them behave this way. Either way, they are not going to believe that they have what it takes to experience life differently.

External Support

If they were to end up looking for answers, they could soon learn that there are a number of things that they need to do. So, they can see that they need to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and what they believe and even raise their self-esteem.

By doing this, they will gradually be able to change how they behave. Altering what is going on up top, then, will allow them to focus on their own needs and do what is right for them.

A Different Reality

As the weeks and months pass, they could see that their need to please others has greatly subsided and that they spend more time meeting their own needs. As a result of this, they are likely to find that their life is far more fulfilling.

One outcome of this is that some of their relationships may have changed, while may have come to an end. They may have also developed a number of new relationships.

A new life

It could go even further than this, though, as they could have started a new job or be thinking about taking this step. What might have also crossed their mind is moving somewhere else and starting over again.

As dramatic as something like this may appear to be from the outside, it will be a perfectly normal effect on them living a life that is more aligned with who they are. Their true essence will be seeing the light of day.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, they could find that this approach doesn’t have much of an impact on them and they still have a strong need to please others and overlook their own needs. If they were to imagine changing their behaviour and putting themselves first, they could soon feel anxious and fearful.

If they were to go deeper, they could end up feeling rejected and abandoned. Assuming that they do, one way of looking at this would be to say that these feelings are caused by their ‘negative’ thoughts and these need to be changed for their life to change.

Another Angle

However, there is a chance that the feelings that they experience are triggered by their thoughts, not caused by them. Moreover, what can play a big part in why they are behaving in this way can be their unmet development need to be loved.

Their childhood will then be over but they won’t have truly moved on from this stage of their life. Therefore, if they purely focus on what is taking place in their mind and change their behaviour, they won’t deal with what is really driving them.

Going Deeper

With this in mind, on one level, it will be as though they are just trying to please other adults and that this is partly because they have low self-esteem. But, at a deeper level, other adults will be seen as parental figures who can provide them with the love that they missed out on as a child.

This shows that the needs that were not met during their developmental years didn’t simply disappear and are continuing to influence their life from behind the scenes, so to speak. What this illustrates is that, when it comes to change, it is essential to explore what is taking place in both the conscious and the unconscious mind.

A Closer Look

So, during their early years, they may have had a mother and/or a father who was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed. This would have caused them to be deprived and deeply wounded.

To handle this, their brain would have repressed a number of their developmental needs and the pain they were in. Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and blocked out reality.

The Next Stage

Still, they would have continued to try to receive the love that wasn’t available by ignoring themselves and doing what they could to please their parents. After their childhood came to an end and they became an adult, their early struggle would have continued.

For them to no longer turn their back on themselves, they will need to face and work through the pain that was repressed and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience, and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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