What can be normal is for someone to ignore a number of their needs and to focus on others. But, if this is just what is normal, it might not be something that they are consciously aware of.

Consequently, they will be neglecting themselves but this is not going to be something that will stand out. Still, although this will be the case, they could be used to receiving a lot of positive feedback from others.

One Experience

For example, some of the people in their life could say that they are selfless and are always there for them when they need them. As far as these people are concerned, then, they will be living in the right way.

The positive feedback that they receive from them is likely to do at least two things. First, it is likely to have a positive effect on their wellbeing, and second, it is likely to help to keep their true feelings at bay.

A Build-Up

And, as they are ignoring a number of their needs, they are likely to be carrying a lot of pain. This pain will be there to let them know that their needs are not being met and that they need to do something about it.

What can also take place to allow them to keep their pain at bay is that they can often be in a collapsed emotional state. By being in a depressed state, they won’t come into contact with how they feel.

Just the Basics

When it comes to the needs that they do meet, it can relate to their survival needs. So, they can make sure that they eat, sleep and have the right clothing to wear but that could be about as far as it typically goes.

Then again, they might often skip meals or not eat enough, not get enough sleep and not have the right clothes to wear. This will allow them to survive but it won’t allow them to thrive.

The Other Side

Their need to relax and recharge, have fun, play, experience affection, and warmth, for instance, can generally be overlooked. At this point, it might seem strange as to how they could be out of touch with a number of their needs and not even be aware of this.

However, if what took place during their formative years is taken into account, it is likely to soon make sense. This may have been a stage of their life that was like an emotional desert, with their being very little love available.

The outcome

Having a mother and perhaps a father who were unable to provide them with the love that they needed would have deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle what was going on, they would have gradually disconnected from their needs and feelings, and this material would have ended up being held in their unconscious mind.

Over time, this would have caused them to lose touch with their body and live in their head. Not only would it have been painful for them to express their needs and not have them met, but it would have been painful for them to be in touch with their needs.

One option

Becoming someone who was not in touch with a number of their needs and feelings would have made it easier for them to live in an environment where there wasn’t much on offer. Their priority at this stage of their life was to survive and, thus, how this would affect them as an adult was irrelevant.

The needs that were not met and ended up being held in their unconscious mind wouldn’t have lied dormant, though; these needs would have continued to influence their behaviour. From outside of their conscious awareness, these needs will have played a part in why they focused on their mother’s and perhaps their father’s needs.

Outer Directed

Ergo, while they would have become alienated from their inner world, they would have become attuned to the needs of others. Deep down, they would have believed that if they became who they wanted, were there for them and did what they wanted, their needs would finally be met.

Instead of having their developmental needs met on a regular basis if at all, they would have lived in the hope that they would be met. But, as their mother and perhaps their father wouldn’t have been able to provide them with the love that they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did.


However, if they had faced reality and seen their mother and perhaps their father clearly, it would have been too much for them to handle. They had to deceive themselves.

Along with being forced to live on the surface of themselves, how they were treated, as they were egocentric, would have caused them to believe that there was something inherently wrong with their needs. This would have played a part in them hiding their needs and hoping that they would be met.

Drawing the line

The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with their needs or their essence. How they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for their mother and perhaps their father.

In all likelihood, their mother and perhaps their father were also deprived during their formative years, and this is why they were unable to love them. To be able to accept this, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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