Mother Wounds: Can A Man Fear Intimacy If He Had A Controlling Mother?

What a man could find is that even though he wants to have a relationship with a woman, he pulls away from a woman as soon as things get serious. Or, perhaps to be more accurate, this happens as soon as he starts to become emotionally attached to a woman.

He could then think about all the times that he has walked away from a woman and be filled with regret. What can enter his mind is that if he hadn’t done this, he would be in a serious relationship.

Confusion

Due to how he has behaved over the years, he might wonder if there is something wrong with him. But, as he will have walked away from a number of women who were right for him, this is not a surprise.

After this, he could end up laying into himself and see himself as a failure. What this can do is cause him to feel very low and he might stay down for a little while.

External Feedback

If he were to think about what other people have said to him about this area of his life, that’s if they have said things to him, he could find that they have questioned his decisions. His friends and perhaps his family won’t have been able to understand why he has behaved in this way.

Then again, some of them may have said that he has behaved in this way because he fears intimacy. But, if they had said this to him, he might have dismissed it and said that this was not true.

A Closer Look

If he were to think about what happens when he starts to develop a deeper connection with a woman, he can find that this is a time when he doesn’t feel comfortable. He will then have had the need to get away from her and cutting his ties with her will have allowed him to do this.

He can find that he settled down again after a while, and once he did, he might have been filled with confusion. What made sense at one point in time won’t have made sense at another.

An Exercise

For him to find out what is going on, it will be a good idea for him to use his imagination. He can imagine that he is with a woman who he is starting to develop an emotional bond with and see how he feels.

What he can find is that he starts to feel trapped and as though he is losing his freedom. From this, it will show that he doesn’t believe that he can be close to a woman and maintain his autonomy.

A Strange Scenario

Assuming that this is what he has realised, he could struggle to understand why he is this way. He could believe that there is no reason for him to be this way and that what he believes is irrational.

However, even if he does have this outlook if he were to think about his early years, he may find that what is going on for him as an adult makes sense. At this stage of his life, he may have had a mother who seldom allowed him to be himself.

Back In Time

In general, it might have been as though he was in prison and she was his prison guard. She would then have often told him what to do and what not to do, been very critical, and seldom allowed him to go out and see his friends, for instance. As opposed to feeling supported and cared for by her, he would have felt restricted and undermined by her.

Throughout this stage of his life, it would have been normal for him to feel helpless and hopeless. What he needed at this stage was to be able to freely express himself and to have boundaries.

The Meaning

This is not to say that he should have been able to do anything that he wanted but he did need a certain amount of freedom. Thanks to what he experienced, he would have formed a number of limiting associations when it came to human closeness.

It would have been seen as something that would cause him to lose himself and be trapped. In reality, this is how he felt around his mother at this stage of his life and not how he would have felt around every woman.

The particular became the general

But, as he was in an underdeveloped state, his brain would have generalised the experience that he had with his mother. It was then not that this was just what his mother was like; it was what all women were like.

What will also play a part in why he will have these experiences is that a big part of him will be trying to resolve what took place during his formative years. This part of him will be trying to receive the love that he missed out on as a boy.

Moving Forward

As this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t be able to realise that it is too late to receive this love. For him to change this area of his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.
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Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.