After having been up with a number of men who were focused on their mothers and were not available, a woman can be angry and frustrated. But, as she will have given a lot and received very little, this is not a surprise.

What may also play a part in this is that she could believe that she has wasted so much of her life trying to make men who are unavailable, available. So, at this point, she could be desperate for this area of her life to change.

Totally Helpless

Nonetheless, there can be another part of her that doesn’t believe that this area of her life will ever change. As far as this part of her is concerned, this can be how her life will always be, that is unless something miraculous takes place.

This part of her is likely to be a consequence of the experiences that she has had over the years. She could come to the conclusion that it is best for her to stay single and focus on other areas of her life.

A Strong Need

But, even if she does come to this conclusion, she probably won’t be able to do this for very long. The reason for this is that her need to connect with a man who is available won’t disappear.

If this need was then covered up and she was to focus on other areas of her life, it might not be long until it makes itself known once again. This could end up being a time when this need will cause her to do something that she will regret.

Stepping back

Anyway, if she has been told over the years that she deserves to be with a man who is available, this can make it even harder for her to understand what is going on. She will have repeatedly been told one thing, only to repeatedly have experiences that tell her otherwise.

The friends and perhaps family who have made this clear will want her to be happy and to be in a loving relationship. Even so, if they have only said positive things to her and haven’t encouraged her to look deeper into why this area of her life is this way, what they have said will have held her back.

A Strange Scenario

After hearing this, she could question how she could be being held back by their support. Still, this is not to say that they will be secretly conspiring against her.

No, these people are likely to want what is best for her and truly believe that she deserves to be with a man who is available. The point here is that these people are likely to believe that they themselves, along with their friend, are simply an observer of reality and thus, what they do or don’t experience is largely defined by external sources.

A Natural Consequence

By having this view, a view that is largely seen as the truth in today’s world, it will be possible for someone to be deserving of something and yet, not have what they want because of what is going on ‘out there’. The type of support and feedback that they give will then be a reflection of their view of the nature of reality.

And, in all likelihood, she is also likely to believe that what is going on ‘out there’ is defining this area of her life. But, as she will live in a society, and probably has for her whole life, that is built on the view that everyone and everything is separate, this is to be expected.

A Different Angle

However, although her mind and eyes will create the impression that she is separate from what is going on out there and, thus, just happens to end up with men who are not available, this is an illusion. In reality, she is not separate from what is going on ‘out there’.

Additionally, what is going on inside her defines whether she can or can’t experience something. Now, if her mind hasn’t dismissed this and even if it has but she has been able to detach from what has arisen, she could wonder what is taking place inside her that is preventing her from experiencing what she desires.

Two Levels

What could make this hard for her to accept is that she wants to be with a man who is available. Due to this, it won’t be as if her inner world is out of alignment with what it is that she wants.

While this will be true, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind. What she will also have is an unconscious mind and this part of her will be bigger and far more impactful than her conscious sense of themselves.

Going Deeper

This other, hidden part of her will contain pain, unmet developmental needs, adult needs and parts of herself that have been rejected, among other things. If this part of her and the impact that it has is not taken into account, this area of her life as well as others won’t make any sense.

But, if this part of her and the impact that it has is taken into account, it will allow her to gradually see why this area of her life is this way. One way for her to start to reconnect to the material that is held inside this part of her is to explore what took place during her formative years.

Back In Time

If she was to do this, what she may find is that this was a stage of her life when her mother and/or father were emotionally unavailable and unable to love her. This would then have caused her to be wounded and deeply deprived.

To handle what was going on, her brain would have automatically repressed the pain that she was in and a number of her developmental needs. The trouble is that that even though she will now be an adult and it will be too late for her to meet these needs, she will unconsciously be trying to receive what she missed out on, with this being why she continually ends up with men who are not available.


If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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