Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Blame His Father For What Happened?

After starting a relationship with a woman, a man could come to see that he is overly focused on his mother. This is because the woman that he is with might have shared her observations with him and made it clear that he is not responsible for his mother.

As he is open-minded and able to hear her, it will be possible for him to gradually change his life. This could take many weeks, months or even years; it can all depend on how committed he is and at what stage of his life he was wounded.

Another Reality

However, after coming to see that he is very focused on his mother, he could believe that he is doing the right thing. What might enter his mind is that he has had to be there for his mother because his father let her down.

So, his father might have left his mother when he was a boy or he might have just been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Therefore, he can believe that he had to step in and look after his mother.

Taking Over

From a young age, then, he will have had to look out for his mother as his father wouldn’t have played his part. This would have meant that, from a very young age, he had to act like an adult.

Thanks to the outlook that he has, he can believe that his mother was let down by his father. He would then have had to be there for his mother and wasn’t able to be a child but his father will be the one who is responsible.

Two Extremes

When he thinks about his father, he can experience anger, resentment, rage, and hate. Yet, when he thinks about his mother, he can feel sad and have the need to protect and care for her. Naturally, as he feels responsible for his mother, he is not just going to be able to draw the line and start living his own life.

Most likely, he will believe that if he were to do this, he would be turning his back on her, which is what his father did. His mother might appreciate what he does for her, or she could typically act as though she is entitled to his time and attention.

On The Outside

As his girlfriend is on the outside and is able to see clearly, she could wonder why he is unable to see that he was let down by both his father and his mother. In her eyes, she could see that as he is her son, it wasn’t up to him to step in and play the role that his father or another man should have played.

Moreover, his mother should have made this clear and not looked toward him to fulfil this role either. It is then not a case of his mother being the good one and his father being the bad one; they both undermined him.

A Defence

Ultimately, during his formative years, he needed his mother’s and father’s love; his purpose was not to be there for his mother and meet her needs. His greatest need at this stage was to be loved by her and he would have done anything to receive it.

It was then not that he consciously chose to be there for her; he was forced to adapt in this way. Adapting in this way would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded him.

Too Much of a Risk

He would have had to disconnect from a number of his needs and feelings. Being in touch with his needs and feelings would have been too painful and, if he had expressed himself, he is likely to have been punished in some way.

But, although his mother wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed due to her most likely being developmentally stunted, he would have personalised what took place. He would then have believed that he was worthless and unlovable and was bad, while his mother was good, and if he behaved in the right way, she would finally love him.

The Past is present

Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent child but, as a big part of him won’t realise this, he will still have the need to maintain the idealised image that he formed of his mother. Deep down, he will fear that if he freely expresses himself and how he really feels about her, he will be rejected and abandoned and will die.

The part of him that believes this will include the pain and unmet development needs that he had to lose touch with all those years ago. Since that stage of his life, he will have mentally and physically grown but his emotional self will be underdeveloped.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.