Deep down, someone can believe that they will only be loved if they are perfect. Naturally, if they are in this position, it is going to be more or less impossible for them to be loved by others.

At the same time, they can be loved by others, but, thanks to what is going on inside them, they won’t be able to truly accept the love that they do receive. The trouble is that if this is something that is operating outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t be able to do anything about it.

Highly Motivated

So, by having this belief in place, they can be extremely driven and they might even be incredibly successful. If they were asked why they are so driven and have become so successful, they could say that this is just what they are like and the purpose of life is to be successful.

It is unlikely to be hard for them to find people who will validate and support this view. They could also be used to receiving a lot of approval and acceptance from others, with these people admiring what they are like and have achieved.

A Hidden Fear

From time to time, though, they could think about how most if not of the people in their life are only there because of how well they are doing. Due to this, they could often experience a fair amount of resentment.

Consequently, they could also think about how most of these people wouldn’t be around if their life was different. As well as they are doing, then, they are not going to feel comfortable enough to take their foot off the gas; they will have too much to lose.

Another Scenario

Alternately, having this belief in place can mean that they are not overly driven or successful. This will show that they are not unconsciously resisting what is going on for them and have essentially given up.

As a result of this, they could typically only do what they have to do and they might not have many friends. If they do have a few friends, they might be overly close to them.

What’s The Point?

When it comes to their love life, they might have had numerous setbacks and have lost the desire to find anyone else. Their last relationship might not have lasted very long and their partner might have left them.

Then again, they might not have ever had a relationship and could believe that they are not desirable. Taking into account what they have been through and how they feel about themselves, it is not going to be a surprise that they have turned their back on this area of their life.

Stepping Back

Now, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, regardless of whether they are unconsciously resisting what is going on for them deep down, they could end up finding that they don’t see themselves as being lovable. It then won’t matter what they do as they won’t be able to receive the love that they desire.

They could see how they have done so much to be able to be worthy of love or have done very little and haven’t bothered. At this point, they could feel totally helpless and find it hard to accept that they will ever be loved for who they are.

A Closer Look

Of course, now that they are an adult, the love that they receive will be conditional. However, there is a big difference between them believing that they will only be loved if they are more than human and live the perfect life, for instance, and them knowing that they can be themselves and be loved.

When it comes to the former, they are going to experience a lot of pressure and will be stuck on a treadmill that they are unable to step off. And, when it comes to the latter, they won’t be weighed down with pressure and they will be able to be a human being who does things as opposed to a human doing.

What’s going on?

What they may find is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember and have never felt worthy of being loved. If so, this could show that their early years were not very nurturing.

This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were unable to provide them with the love that they needed. One or both of them are likely to have been emotionally unavailable and were probably deprived of the love that they needed during their formative years.

An Emotional Desert

A stage of their life, then, when they needed their parent or parents to mirror back their worth and lovability, would have been a time when this didn’t take place. If they did what they wanted, they may have received attention and been approved of.

But, there may have also been times when they did what they wanted and this wasn’t enough. Either way, they would have been told, both directly and indirectly, that they were not enough or lovable and, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and gradually created a disconnected false self.

Other Factors

Additionally, they may have been physically harmed, verbally put down and/or isolated from others. Their need to be loved, along with the pain that they experienced, would have ended up being repressed by their brain.

Nonetheless, their repressed developmental need to be loved would have continued to have an effect on their life. This shows that even if a need is repressed, it doesn’t mean that it lies dormant.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to -

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -