What can be normal is for someone to spend a lot of time by themselves, having very little interest in being around others. This could be how they have been for as long as they can remember.

Therefore, they might not wonder why they are this way or have the need to change their life. Then again, they may have had moments when they have wondered why they are this way and what they can to do change their life.

An Isolated Existence

However, even if they have had moments like this, they might not have taken the next step. So, regardless of if they have or haven’t been able to step back and reflect on their life, they are going to be missing out on a lot.

What this comes down to is that they are an interdependent human being who needs to connect with others. Thus, it doesn’t matter whether they are aware of this need or not; they will pay a price.


If they haven’t become aware of this need and are not aware of the feedback that makes this clear, it could show that they spend a lot of time in their head. This will allow them to not only keep their need for others at bay but to keep the pain of not meeting this need at bay.

They can also have a number of things that they do to help keep this inner material out of their conscious mind. If so, this is likely to relate to things that they do automatically, as opposed to things that they consciously choose to do to avoid what is going on inside them.

For example

When they are not working, then, they can spend a lot of time online, watching films and playing video games, for instance. This will help to keep their attention away from themselves.

Still, there can be moments when they are pulled back into themselves, with this being a time when they feel low and depressed. A big part of what is going on for them will be a consequence of the fact that they are missing out on the emotional nutrients that they need.

One Step back

When it comes to what they do for a living, they might do something that doesn’t involve a great deal of human contact. Yet, if they do spend a lot of time around others during this time, these interactions are not going to provide them with the same nutrients that close friendships would provide them.

What these interactions will most likely help to do, though, is take the edge off the loneliness that they would experience unconsciously, if not consciously, by not having these types of connections in their life. This will then be better than nothing.

Stepping Back

After living in this way for many more months and perhaps years, they could arrive at the point where they are unable to continue. They could feel so drained and low that they know that something is not right and has to change.

What could occur is that they spend a lot of time by themselves and that they need to spend more time around others. Nonetheless, another part of them could have no interest in this and be happy to carry on as normal.

Inner Conflict

What this will illustrate is that part of them wants to reach out but another part of them doesn’t. Moreover, based on how they live their life, the latter will be far stronger than the former.

As they are an interdependent human being who needs to have supportive and loving bonds with others, it can seem strange as to why they would be this way. But, if their early years are taken into account, it might soon make sense.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable. The outcome of this is that, from the moment that they were born, they would have often been left, and, when they were given care, they would have often received misattuned care.

As a result of this, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to bond with and develop a strong connection with their mother. This would have greatly wounded them and they would have been forced to disconnect from their body.

One Option

If they had stayed connected to their body, they would have been aware of their needs and feelings and this would have been too painful. Losing touch with this part of them was the only way for them to handle what was going on.

They would have also come to associate human contact with something that would cause them to be harmed and suffer. From this experience and perhaps other painful experiences that they had as the years went by, it is clear why they would prefer to keep their distance.

A Divided Being

Instead of receiving what they needed to stay connected to themselves and develop a felt sense of safety, trust, worth and their own lovability, what they received will have separated them from themselves and caused them to develop a felt sense of unsafely, mistrust, unworthiness, and unlovability. Thanks to what is going on for them, they are not going to feel comfortable embracing their need for others.

For this to change, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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