One of the most common questions asked by women is ‘What do Men Want.’ The most painful question is ‘Why?’ These two questions put together cause heartache and distrust in millions of women. It is easy to start seeing every man as a commitment-phobe, or someone with attachment issues, but this is just not true. There are a lot of good men out there. The trick is to learn how to recognize them.

What Does A Man Want?

Impact on Feelings

The first thing you need to learn is that men are often driven by how you make them feel, not by you as a person. Many women translate a man’s interest to mean that he thinks you are great. They reciprocate by giving away their heart – only to be disappointed and hurt when he leaves. Women wonder why men can walk away so easily. It isn’t because they are callous and cruel. It is just because they are not as emotionally involved as you are.

In fact, I’ve worked with some people who were ready to get engaged. They sat before me talking, and as the conversation progressed the woman was horrified to realize that his commitment wasn’t as strong as hers. One counsellor wrote in a case study that the guy knew very little about his fiancé. He answered all questions in relation to how they made him feel, or whether he liked or disliked them.

Men are Visual

This is nothing new. Women understand this. What they don’t understand is that people are also inspired by their sense of smell. Wearing perfume can confuse the senses, and create a false sense of attraction. The most important thing to understand about being visual is that it is important to be yourself.

When we hear that men are visual it means that they are hardwired to pick their mate by how she looks. This is the long term program. This is a difference program than the one that picks a woman for a brief encounter. This is the short term program. This is why it is so important to be yourself. Don’t try to create an image that will attract men. If you do, it may incite a response from the short term program. This can leave women wondering why they can pick up men so easily, but they can’t keep them.

If you want a long term relationship then you need to focus more on the long term program. But this is only half of the program. You want to attract a man who is compatible with you. The message you send out might not attract a man the first time you step out of the house, but that is the point. The dating game isn’t about attracting ‘a’ man. It is about attracting the right man.

Understanding Jealousy

The above can explain why men and women have different ideas of what cheating is. Men are bothered more by sexual infidelity, but may not have the same definition as a woman. Women are bothered more by emotional infidelity, while the man thinks of how he makes her feel and doesn’t understand the emotional connection. To understand jealousy we first must understand that there are two types of attachment in relationships: dismissive and secure. A person who forms a dismissive attachment will be less bothered by sexual infidelity. These attachments are among our earliest relationships, with parents, caregivers, peers, and carry on through life. Our relationships shift as we move through life.

Society is confused, as a whole, when a man cheats. When we see someone like Tiger Woods, David Letterman, or Mar Sanford cheat on beautiful women our first question is ‘What were they thinking?’ Typically we will then wonder what is wrong with the woman they were with. The answer is, nothing is wrong – with him or her.


There are two types of men. Those who play the dating game. Those who do not. The men who do not are often more practical. They are willing to invest something into the relationship, so they go slower. Sometimes, they move painfully slow. They will also run hot and cold as they continually measure the risk involved. If you want a man who is thinking long term, not just in the moment, be prepared to step back and give him time to work things out in his head.

These are just a couple of things I discuss in life coaching sessions. They are meant to help you understand a little more about how men think and why many women are caught in a cycle of breakups, without understanding why. If I can offer one piece of advice, ‘Don’t expect a good man to think like you, act like you, or behave like you – it will never happen.”

Author's Bio: 

Suzanne James has 10 years experience as an online life coach and using the telephone to facilitate her coaching strategy. She has vast experience helping clients reset their core values, make changes in their communication and relationship styles, and take back control of their lives. There is a wealth of information on her website: