Even though someone is a separate human being, who has their own needs and feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that they will act like one. What can be normal is for them to focus on others and to do what they can to please them.

As a result of this, they will typically act as though they are merely an extension of others. They are then not going to know, deep down, where they begin and end and where others begin and end.

An External Focus

A number of their own needs and feelings will be a mystery to them but they will be only too aware of the needs and feelings of others. Or at the very least, they will be aware of the needs and feelings of the people in their life.

What this will illustrate is that their centre is not within them; their centre is outside of them. When it comes to how they behave, they will look towards another or others and follow their lead.


As their focus is primarily on what is going on externally, they are not going to have a strong connection with their body. If they were connected to their body, they would be aware of their needs and feelings.

Naturally, unless they change how they live their life, they will continue to abandon themselves. Nonetheless, if behaving in this way is just what is normal, there will be no reason for them to change.

Inner Conflict

If they were to get out of their head and back into their body and to connect to their needs and feelings, it doesn’t mean that they would be able to change their behaviour. Just thinking about changing their behaviour let alone actually changing it could cause them to feel guilty and ashamed and extremely anxious.

Behaving in a way that is not serving them is then going to be what feels comfortable. However, there can be a part of their own consciousness that will stop them from even realising this.

Unreal Self

This part of them will be there to make sure that their true self is kept hidden and is unable to see the light of day. At this point, it would be easy to say that this part of them is not on their side.

But, while this can appear to be the case, this part is actually there to protect them and is on their side. Yet, it can seem strange as to why a part of their consciousness believes that they will only survive if they hide who they are.

What’s going on?

To understand why this part of them would exist and be so strong, it will be a good idea to take a closer look at what took place during their formative years. This is likely to have been a time when they were not truly seen and heard by one or both of their parents, which would have deeply wounded and deprived them.

If it was one parent, this parent probably saw them as nothing more than an object that was there to meet their needs. Therefore, it wouldn’t have occurred to this parent that they had a self that was separate from them.

No Choice

So, while their basic needs might have typically been met, their emotional needs would have seldom if ever been met. This means that they wouldn’t have received the attunement, love, and care that they needed to develop a strong sense of self.

Their real self would have ended up being repressed and going into hiding with them being forced to create a disconnected false self. This self would have had to be focused on this parent’s needs and feelings.


If they were born with a strong connection to their needs and feelings, assuming that they were not traumatised in their mother’s womb, they would have soon lost touch with themselves. Adapting in this way would have allowed them to be who this parent wanted them to be and survive; nothing more, nothing less.

And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was absolutely nothing that they could do. Quiet simply, they were emotionally abandoned by this parent and this is why they will continue to abandon themselves.

The Other Side

As to why this parent was generally unable to attune to their needs and feelings and provide them with the love that they needed and was about as responsive as a rock as opposed to being their rock, this is likely to show that they were not in a good way. Most likely, they were also brought up by at least one parent who treated them in the same way.

They were then unable to provide them with the love that they needed as they didn’t have it to give. What this means is that they were not loved and seen because there was something inherently wrong with them and they were unlovable; no, it was because this parent was developmentally stunted and deeply disordered.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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