Choking Off The Roots Of Anger

We’ve become a society of free expression. These days people are encouraged to open up and just let their feelings flow. Of course, there are plenty of acceptable ways to do this as well as some very unacceptable methods of expression. In most cases anger is one method that causes significant distress for all involved. Under certain controlled conditions it’s actually good to let go of feelings of anger. But in our day-to-day interactions with others outbursts of anger are certain to make things uncomfortable and sometimes worse.

Jane & Joe

Before we talk about eliminating the problem let’s look at how anger comes about as an emotion in the first place. We’ll use an example from real life. I have a close friend I’ve known since grammar school. We’ll call him Joe. Joe was always affable and easygoing as a kid and teen and even well into adulthood. And then a change came over him.

A while back he became involved with a woman he wanted to marry. Let’s call her Jane. They both fell hard for each other early on in their relationship. He told me she was a great woman but there were a couple of things about her personality that bothered him. These quirky things aren’t really relevant to our discussion but they were very relevant to how this relationship played out. For our purposes let’s just say that Jane was prone to spontaneously speaking her mind.

The Honeymoon Period

Many people refer to the first few months of a relationship as the “honeymoon” period. This is the time when most folks are on their best behavior as they get to know each other. As Jane and Joe’s honeymoon period progressed to everyday life Jane’s quirkiness began to bother Joe more, though he kept quiet about it at first hoping it would somehow resolve on its own.

Now, if you’ve had any experience with relationships or life in general you’re probably aware that it’s highly unlikely you or me or the man in the moon is going to change anyone’s behavior to suit us. It just doesn’t happen. And even if Jane had been open to changing Joe didn’t mention that what she was doing even bothered him. So as you can see, there was a complete breakdown in communication on Joe’s part right from the beginning. Jane, on the other hand was actually a very open communicator.

Sudden Outburst Time

One day Jane and Joe were out and Jane said something that really rubbed Joe the wrong way. My guess is that whatever she said wasn’t actually the real problem, it was that Joe had been building up frustration over Jane’s natural way of communicating. She had dozens, if not hundreds of people in her life who didn’t give a second thought to her communication style. But for Joe it was an issue and he lost his temper on this particular day. And that was the beginning of the end.

As time went on Joe became increasingly intolerant of Jane speaking her mind and with each perceived “infraction” Joe expressed his feelings in loud forceful outbursts, some of which were rather ugly. It wasn’t long before they broke up, which left Joe hurt and even angrier. And rather than learn a lesson from the experience he chose to drift into a funk that lasted for several years. Notice I said he “chose” to become despondent. Let’s look at this situation for what it really is. Each of us makes choices that shape our lives.

We Choose Our Lives

When Joe chose to stay with Jane despite what he felt about her quirky and bothersome habits he knew he was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. He wanted love and eventual marriage but he didn’t want to admit that Jane wasn’t the woman for him. It’s true, he went forward in a doomed relationship hoping for the best.

Perhaps it was a lack of experience that made him think she would eventually change. Or maybe he thought he would one day become indifferent or even immune to her problematic (to Joe) behavior. But both notions are folly at best. As we’ve mentioned, people are as they are and it’s not for us to try and change them unless they ask us for help. And that’s very unlikely, especially when they don't view a behavior as a problem.

I said Joe chose to become despondent. I could just as easily say he chose the whole unpleasant situation when he ignored his gut feelings and stayed with a relationship that at best was frustrating to him, and in time produced shocking displays of anger. Angry outbursts often come from frustration. And almost without fail we, yes, you and I, consciously enter into situations where frustration is going to be the natural result. We don’t like to admit this but it’s true. And when it comes to love relationships, we’re oh so reluctant to let go because everything else seems fine.

Unacceptable Behavior

But anger is NOT an acceptable way to deal with frustration or any other emotion. You might say, what about jealousy? Nope. Jealousy is another emotion where all the responsibility for the emotion comes back to us. There are two reasons for jealousy. The main one is our own insecurity. The other is that the individual in question is actually breaking promises or stepping out.

And although it’s natural to express some anger regardless of the reason for it, it’s up to you or me or whoever to do his or her best to rectify the situation. If that doesn’t work it’s time to move on. And just so you know, I’m not some cold, calculated robot without feelings who finds it easy to nuke another person at the drop of a hat. I know that what I’m saying might sound impersonal and cutting ties and moving on can be the cause for a great deal of pain.

Nip It In The Bud

But I also know from personal experience (we all know to one degree or another) that there is far more pain and misery in dragging out something that has proven not to work than in breaking the tie and moving on. And this isn’t just about romantic relationships, it can just as easily be about business, employment or any other human endeavor.

If you’re uncomfortable with something that’s causing you anger or frustration you need to evaluate it to determine if it can be fixed. If you feel it can, get on with it. If it can’t, cut the connection and move on.

Since we create our world, we are always responsible for the results. Anger outbursts are unacceptable. Understanding the cause of anger is our first responsibility and step in the direction of relief. What follows is a true self assessment to figure out what to do. Removing the cause is the only sensible way to go. And in a relationship that usually means it's time to part company. The entire process might require the help of an expert.

Happy Ending

It took some time but my friend Joe finally admitted he created the entire situation. He told me he really felt he could be comfortable with this woman and felt she’d eventually change her style of expression. He also admitted that believing such a notion was naïve. As with virtually all challenges, he ended up both smarter and wiser. So it goes. Here’s to your continued well being and peace.