If someone was mistreated during their formative years, they might not be in a good way now that they are an adult. In fact, their life could be one big struggle, with them wondering if they even want to be alive.

However, even if they are not in a good way, it doesn’t mean that they will know why their life is this way. The reason for this is that their brain may have caused them to forget about most of what took place in order to protect them.

The Outcome

If so, it can be as though they just have something wrong with them and this is why they can’t handle life. Or, they could believe that they have a chemical imbalance and were, thus, born with a faulty brain.

Either way, neither of these assessments or one that is similar to it is going to shed light on why they are this way. If they were to end up being put on medication, then, it might make it easier for them to function but it certainly won’t heal the damage that was done to them during their childhood.

Different Direction

But, even if they do go on medication, they could end up looking into what their childhood was like. What could play a part in them going down this path is that they could see a post on social media or a friend could mention something that gets the ball moving.

After this, they could watch videos, read articles and books, and feel the call to work with a therapist. This can be a time when it is as though they were in a dark room for most of their life and now the lights are starting to come on.

A Tough Time

Their early years might have been brutal and working through their pain and facing their unmet developmental needs won’t be easy. But, with external support and the strength that they now have by being an adult, they have what it takes to gradually heal themselves.

After working with a therapist for a while, they can have the need to speak to the parent or parents who abused them. This can also be something that they have the need to do even if they are not working with a therapist and are doing work on themselves.

A Big Step

Assuming that it is one parent who mistreated them, they can arrange a time to see them or they can just call them or turn up at their home. After they have mentioned a few things and perhaps asked them why they treated them in this way, they may receive a very positive response.

So, this parent can validate what they say, empathise with them and show compassion. From this, it will show that although they treated them badly and caused them a lot of harm, they are now willing to help them heal.

The ideal

This parent might be very old and frail, but, even if this is the case, this won’t prevent them from being there for their adult child. What this response is also likely to show is that they don’t have a personality disorder.

If they did, they are likely to have had a very different experience when they opened up to this parent. If, for example, they were abused by both of their parents and they had opened up to their other parent, they might not have made much headway as this parent might have a personality disorder.

A Big Help

Anyway, having this parent’s support is likely to make it easier for them to heal the damage that was done to them. This parent might even be willing to go with them when they have therapy, assuming that they are having therapy.

In any case, talking over what happened and having their parent acknowledge their experiences will greatly serve them on their healing journey. This is something that they can be grateful for.

Another Scenario

Conversely, they can talk to the parent who mistreated them and have a very different experience. Instead of this parent validating what they say, empathising with them and showing compassion, they can invalidate what they say, have no interest in putting themselves in their shoes or show any sympathy.

Based on how they behave, it can be as if their adult child is simply making everything up and is trying to make them look bad for no apparent reason. This parent is then not going to act like their parent; they will act like they are a random stranger who is being accused of something that they themselves didn’t do.

A Brick Wall

After their parent has behaved in this way, they could end up feeling frustrated, angry, betrayed, helpless and helpless. Most likely, this is how they often felt throughout their formative years.

Still, they could try to get through to this parent again and this could go on for many, many months, if not years. What they might soon see is that a big part of them is still trying to be loved by this parent but, just as this parent couldn’t love them as a child, they can’t love them now.

Drawing the line

It then won’t matter how often or how hard they try; the outcome will always be the same. Not only this but, by trying to get through to and be seen and heard by their parent who can’t do this, they will be harming themselves.

Thankfully, by working through their pain and experiencing their unmet developmental needs, they will gradually let go of the need to get through to and be seen and heard by this parent. This will take courage, patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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