Not too long ago, a man may have experienced a breakup. Then again, this might not be something that took place recently, with his relationship having ended a number of months or years ago.

However, irrespective of how long ago this took place, he could now be in a very bad way and find it hard to function. As a result of this, he is likely to be radically different to how he was before.

A Struggle

So, it could be difficult for him to get out of bed each morning and he could find it hard to get to sleep at night. During the day, he might typically only do what he has to do.

Therefore, he might go to work and once he gets home, he could watch TV, play video games or browse the web, for instance. When he has a day off, he might go shopping for what he needs and then go back to zoning out at home.


In the past, along with spending time with his girlfriend, he might have met friends and spent time working on different hobbies. Now, though, he might rarely see his friends or focus on his hobbies.

He might have also regularly exercised and had a strict diet, but he could now neglect both of these areas. With this in mind, it will be accurate to say that he will be a shadow of his former self.

A Big Shock

If he was to go back in time and met the person who he was before, it could be as if he was meeting another person. He could wonder why he is so different and be desperate to go back to how he was before.

Yet, at this point in time, due to how caught up he is with how he feels, he might not reflect on what he was like before. In addition to feeling very low, he could have moments when he is unable to feel anything.

Stepping Back

If he was to reflect on what is going for him, he could find that he often feels very low and even suicidal. When it comes to how he feels, he could feel helpless, hopeless and worthless.

It could also be as though he was on the inside at one point in time and now he is on the outside and that his life is essentially over. After this, he might doubt if he will ever get out of the emotional hole that he is in.

Looking back

If he was to look back on his life, he might find that this is the first time that he has been this way. Alternatively, he might see that this is not the first time and that this is an experience he has had on a number of other occasions.

If this is something that he has been through before, he could come to the conclusion that he was simply born his way. Nonetheless, there is a strong chance that what took place during his formative years played a big part.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage when he was unable to form a strong attachment with his mother, and, thus, develop a strong sense of self in the process. The reason for this is that his mother was likely to have been emotionally unavailable, which may show that it also wasn’t possible for her to attach to her own mother.

Consequently, it would have been normal for his developmental needs to be overlooked and for him to be deprived. This would then have been a stage of his life when he was often rejected and left.

A Brutal Time

Not having an attuned mother who generally met his developmental needs would have deeply wounded him. In the beginning, he would have felt rejected, unwanted, alone, helpless, hopeless, worthless, unloved and deeply hurt.

But, as time passed, his developmental needs and how he felt would have ended up being repressed and he would have gone into a shut down state. Subsequently, he would have lost touch with a number of his needs and how he felt.


Naturally, this would have caused him to lose touch with himself but it would have allowed him to keep it together and function. As he was powerless and totally dependent, he had to adapt to what was going on; he couldn’t change his mother or find a mother who could love him.

The years would then have passed but he will continue to carry the impact that this stage of his life had on him. A breakup will undermine his defences and allow some of this repressed material to enter his conscious awareness.

Moving Forward

Without this understanding, how he feels can be seen as being irrational; with it, it will make complete sense. For him to gradually move on from this stage of his life, he will have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage and patience and persistence.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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