What someone may find, if they were to reflect on their life is that they have trouble letting people get close to them. This can mean that they will spend a fair amount of time by themselves.

Then again, they could spend a fair amount of time around others but typically hide themselves when they are around them. Either way, living in this way is going to lead to a very lonely existence.


However, as deprived as they will be by living in this way, they could struggle to understand what is going on. They could, for example, believe that there is no reason for them to be this way.

And, if they were to share what is going on for them with a friend, they could also say that there is no reason for them to be this way. Additionally, they could say that if they end up being hurt, they will be there for them.

Another Angle

Alternatively, after becoming aware of their need to keep people at a distance, they could think about what might have happened that has caused them to be this way. If they were to do this, they could think about how they were hurt in their relationship.

This might have been a time when they were with someone who verbally and even physically abused them. Either way, it is to be expected that they now, in general, have the need to keep emotional and physical distance from people.

Going Deeper

At the same time, if they were to think about how they were before this happened, they could see that they were not very different. They might have still been very guarded and typically had the need to keep their distance.

If so, they could wonder why they are this way and what it was that caused them to be this way. What this may show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back in Time

This could show that their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Naturally, this would have prevented them from receiving what they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Furthermore, if they were often verbally put down and even physically harmed, this would have caused them to suffer even more. Sadly, as they were defenceless, powerless and totally dependent, they couldn’t change what was going on or find another family who could provide them with what they needed.

The Outcome

Due to this, the only thing that they could do was to adapt to what was going on. This would have involved them disconnecting from themselves and developing a false self.

If they had stayed connected to themselves, they would have been aware of the pain that they were in and the needs that were not being met. Thus, losing touch with themselves allowed them to stay where they were but not be aware of the impact that it was having on them.

The Meaning

If they hadn’t been able to lose touch with themselves and stay connected to their body, it would have been too much for them to handle. In addition to how their being adapted to what was going on to protect them, there would have been the meaning that they made.

They are likely to have believed that it wasn’t safe for them to exist, that other people couldn’t be trusted and that they could only be safe by keeping people at a distance and/or isolating themselves. Along with this, they can believe that they are worthless and unlovable.

Taken To Heart

Their underdeveloped brain had no way of knowing that how one or two people were treating them was not a reflection of how everyone would treat them. The particular would have become the general.

As for how they came to see themselves, this is the result of them being egocentric. It was then not possible for them to see that how they were being treated was most likely a reflection of how wounded one or both of their parents were.

A New Reality

Now that they are an adult, they have the ability to say no and make it clear when something is not right for them or acceptable. Still, for them to know this and feel comfortable being in their body and asserting themselves, they are likely to have a lot of inner work to do.

There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -