A Cup Brimful of Traditions

A good marriage is one where traditions and shared meaning are developed over time. These shared traditions bring a specialness and uniqueness to a relationship and help pull the entire family together. Special meanings get attached to meals, holidays, religious activities, celebrations, methods of relaxation, and many others. These lovely rituals often arise from when you first fell in love or when your little ones arrived on the scene. A friend of mine comes from an Italian background, for example, and generally served some sort of pasta at all holiday meals. Her husband came to truly enjoy the “pasta addition” to the usual fair of turkey or ham or roast, and their children in turn also participate in the new combined tradition. I have found that as the years go past, all family members contribute to and help create new traditions and rituals that become favorites.

Traditions may stem from your own past experiences, your present concerns and activities, or from future aspirations, but they don’t all need to be complex or elaborate. My husband and I have a Thursday night date in which we pop corn, snuggle down, watch a video, and elbow each other as we fight over the last kernels in the bowl. When our girls were younger and still needed some supervision, rather than hire a babysitter and “go out,” we stayed at home—and paid the girls to “self-sit.” We were able to enjoy valuable date time together as well as save money. An unexpected side benefit was that it helped the children learn to manage themselves and their end of day activities. Today, nine years into marriage, Darren and I still savor our weekly date and exert zealous efforts to make certain that our Thursday nights aren’t booked with other events.

When you expand the view of marriage to include everyone in the family, you encounter all sorts of opportunities for shared meaning. My marriage to Darren created a blended family with five children. A tradition that developed almost immediately was an event we affectionately named “biological family night.” Each week, usually on Fridays, I spent special alone time with my girls, while he focused on his teenagers. The twins and I would usually go to Chapters, read stories and sip hot chocolate—Darren and his gang would hang out at home. This reassured our individual children of their importance to each of us and provided exclusive, unshared attention from the biological parent. It also helped everyone adjust to the circumstances and unfamiliar patterns of our new marriage. To this day, long after Darren’s teens have graduated and moved on to college and careers, my 14 year old twins squeak with excitement when the three of us have a “girls night out” at our favorite haunt—and share the excitement of reading together.

Outstanding marriages are typically rich in traditions that nurture the mystery and wonder of life. During this poignant time of year, when celebrations swirl around us—why don’t you pick a snowy afternoon to gather ‘round with cups of hot chocolate and capture the memories of your shared occasions? Plop a yummy mini marshmallow in your mug for every idea someone mentions and laugh over how quickly your cup runs over. And, know that every time you participate in any cherished tradition you are saying, “I love you!” in a distinctive way.