THE 3 C’S OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

THE 3 C’S OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

By
Bill Cottringer

We are probably all getting far too overloaded with how-to advice on being successful at things like relationships; and the last thing I want to do is contribute more to the overload. I just want to clarify a few important things I have learned as a student of relationships for over four decades.

There have been lots of sound research studies over the years that have identified the essential characteristics proven to be most related to great, good, poor and hopeless relationships. But I secretly wonder if these findings didn’t set up artificial standards and expectations that have boomeranged on us all. Have the standards and expectations for quality relationships that were uncovered from happy, long-lasting couples been falsely leading us to the relationship utopia bell curve and disregarding the importance of individual differences?

Lately, I have been more interested in identifying “processes” that we use to get to where it is we want to be—like being in a quality relationship and not letting it get stale. This is opposed to reaching for high standards of thinking, feeling and behaving that seem to be related to ideal relationships.

I have concluded that there are three core processes that are very much involved in building good relationships. I call these the three C’s of a good relationship and they are very inter-connected with our thoughts, feelings and behavior:

• Commitment
• Compatibility
• Communication.

COMMITMENT

Today’s stress level will erode any relationship that isn’t built on solid commitment to the other person and the relationship, for better or worse. When we enter in a relationship with “trial” written all over it, what sense of permanency can that build? Making an unconditional commitment—with the exception of the Three A deal breakers of adultery, addiction and abuse—allows the people in the relationship the needed sense of acceptance and security to grow together naturally. There is no threat of cancellation which can work to build the fears that interfere with spontaneous love.

COMPATIBILITY

The two important keys to compatibility working in a good relationship are (a) reasonable compatibility of what is most important to both people, and (b) a compatible approach to dealing with annoying incompatibilities that get in the way. The attraction factors change and are even unconscious at times and so to say “if these so and so attraction compatibilities are present, then the relationship will flourish and if not it is doomed” is not very meaningful. The most important compatibility question to ask is, “are both people getting enough of what they want and need most and giving these equivalent things to their partners? And of course we all fall prey to the bad habit of losing proper perspective during the bad times, making them a little too personal, permanent and pervasive.

COMMUNICATION

Good communication is not something you can practice easily without a lot of work that goes on forever (literally). There will always be new sorts of conflicts that pose different challenges to communication. The best communication tip is to avoid conveying anything that is over-flavored with superiority, over-control, judgment, insensitivity, dishonest strategy, rudeness or disagreeable negativity. We just don’t react very well to these things. Another good tip is to not let resentments go unspoken and head underground or they will fester and chip away at any good commitment foundation of a relationship. The object is to talk about the resentments assertively without blaiming or complaining.

This relationship advice can be simplified with three main points:

1. Are you both committed to working hard though thick and tin to build a good life together? (And that is a yes or no question).

2. Are you compatible on the most important things, especially how you deal with the troublesome incompatibilities? Another way to ask this is—Do you like and love your partner?

3. Do you communicate respect and acceptance to your partner regularly and avoid rude and defensive communication as much as possible?

If you can’t answer yes to all three questions, all is not lost. Success in relationships is mainly about your mutual desire to have a quality relationship and the amount of effort you are willing to put into these three C’s.