Being Brutally Honest With Ourselves

Telling lies to others to gain power, money or whatever is one thing. But what about the dangerous lies we tell ourselves?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow helped define the field of personal development and the concept of self-actualization as the "ongoing actualization of potentials, capacities and talents, as fulfillment of mission (or call, fate, destiny, or vocation), as a fuller knowledge of, and acceptance of, the person's own intrinsic nature, as an unceasing trend toward unity, integration or synergy within the person."

Maslow further said, in his book Toward a Psychology of Being, that healthy and self-actualizing people are defined by some basic characteristics including "Superior perception of reality" and "Increased acceptance of self, of others and of nature."

That sort of acceptance of ourself may require becoming more aware of our inner 'stuff' - our EQ or emotional intelligence, our shadow self or hidden side, or aspects of our personality that impede our growth in life.

But we may also not accept on some level, and even lie to ourselves, about our talents and capabilities.

In his book The Road Less Traveled and Beyond, M. Scott Peck, MD wrote about counseling a student:

"I don't want to be a whiner," she said. "Then you'll need to learn how to accept your superiority," I retorted. "My what? What do you mean?" Jane was dumfounded. "I'm not superior."

"All your complaints - your whining, if you will - center around your probably accurate assessment that your dates aren't as smart as you, professors aren't as humble, and fellow students aren't as interesting as you."

Many people with exceptional abilities may lie to themselves and others - in the sense of discounting or hiding those abilities - in order to fit in.

Robotics pioneer, prosthetics visionary, and 2007 recipient of a MacArthur "genius" grant, Yoky Matsuoka used to describe herself as an “airhead.”

“I realized that acting smart or talented in school made me sound like a geek or nerd. So I remodeled myself as an airhead.”

One problem with this sort of masking strategy is we may start believing our own "reverse" hype thinking that we are not, in fact, as talented as we really are.

Two of the hallmarks of personal development are awareness and acceptance, according to many leaders and thinkers in spiritual growth and positive psychology.

Eckhart Tolle (author of The Power of Now, and A New Earth) warns in his article Don't Take Your Thoughts Too Seriously that thinking not rooted in awareness "becomes self-serving and dysfunctional. Cleverness devoid of wisdom is extremely dangerous and destructive."

Acceptance is basically acknowledging the truth of our reality, not just saying all aspects of our life and self are acceptable or should not be changed.

So how do we help ground our thinking in awareness and reality? Especially about ourselves?

Brian Vaszily, creator of The Nine Intense Experiences program, explains in his article Change Your Life in Mirrors, "You may be the most honest person in the world with others, but we all tend to have the hardest time admitting the most difficult truths to ourselves.

"We're of course not setting out to sabotage ourselves. Most of the time we are not even aware that we are lying to ourselves, or denying the truth, until things really come to a head (i.e., until things get messy, frustrating, really tense, etc.)

"And of course we therefore DO sabotage ourselves by never admitting - never facing - the truth."

He continues, "Think about it: how many times in your life have you been faced with 'big' questions that, later on, you realize deep down you already knew the answer to? But the answer was difficult, the truth was hard, and you just could not, or did not want to, face it?"

To honestly confront and start dealing with those questions, he advises "going somewhere alone that has a mirror. Obviously a washroom or a bedroom, where you can close the door to ensure your solitude, is a smart choice. It is even better if you are so alone that you can talk to yourself aloud: hearing your own voice ask and answer questions prompts even greater depth and honesty."

Facing important questions is a key element of developing ourselves. It is, of course, a central aspect of psychotherapy - but also executive coaching and life coaching.

In his new book Personal Development for Smart People: The Conscious Pursuit of Personal Growth, Steve Pavlina quotes writer Henry Miller:

“Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end."

Another personal growth leader, Brad Swift (author of the Life On Purpose book and programs) notes that our identity is often lie-based: "The you you've come to know is made up of the 'molecules of meaning' that you ascribed to things that happened to you in your early, formative years during times when you felt threatened or unsafe.

"They may have been severely traumatic, like the loss of a parent, or milder, like someone repeatedly telling you that you'd never amount to anything."

He says that in his Life On Purpose Process, "we identify this as the Inherited Purpose -- the fear and lack-based lie you've been telling yourself about yourself and about life for so long that you've come to believe it to be true.

"In other words, you've identified yourself as this lie and have gone about enrolling others to relate to you in this way... The good news -- it's not the truth -- it's a lie."

To grow into being more fully our authentic selves, being excellent and effective in whatever we choose to do, we need to acknowledge the truth.