"If he/she would just change, then I would be happy."

Ever heard that one? Better yet, have you ever said it yourself?

This is a very typical relationship equation. It means that your happiness and well-being is contingent on someone else doing what you want and need.

And conversely, if someone doesn't do what you want and need, you aren't going to be happy.

If this sounds like you, then read on.

Here are 4 helpful beliefs to help reset your perspective on your relationship and on yourself:

1. "I am mutually responsible."

Often, one person is identified as the "problem" in the relationship while the other is "tolerating" the bad behavior.

Here's the news: Your issues aren't just about one of you. Though one of you may have more obvious difficulties than the other, both of you are creating the relationship...the good, the bad, and the ugly.

2. "I can't fix or change my partner."

People have their own will and a right to govern themselves. When you try to cross over, coerce, and fix them, you're basically robbing them of their sovereignty and growth.

You may say, "But, she isn't fixing herself. She won't do anything about her issues. I have to do it for her."

Bottom line, it's not your job...it's their job.

So, if it's not your responsibility to fix or change someone else, then what can you do?

3. "I can fix and change myself."

This is the power that you truly possess...to work on yourself. In fact, it's your responsibility.

If you take the finger of blame off of your partner and point it back at yourself, you can then ask yourself some clarifying questions:

What am I doing? Not doing? What am I allowing? Tolerating? Perpetrating?

Righting wrongs, admitting mistakes, asking for forgiveness are high-level spiritual and moral skills which require humility and clarity.

Expect that when you start to do this work, you will come up against resistance within yourself. Egos don't go down easily.

4. "Changing myself will shift my relationship."

Believe it or not, when you start changing your responses, owning your shortcomings, and stop your "fixing", the relationship will begin to change...one way or the other.

Don't underestimate the power you have to make a difference AND all without trying to change your partner.

Sometimes things may change for the worse. Undoing the conspiracies and patterns may feel like everything is coming apart. For some, it does come apart.

But, usually things need to come apart before you can build a new, stronger foundation and structure.

This growth work isn't for sissies. But good, hard work can reap an abundance of benefits.

Author's Bio: 

Belinda Lams of Soul Organizer is a Certified Professional Life Coach, Professional Organizer, and speaker. She is passionate about helping people live from clarity and purpose. Belinda is available for coaching services by phone and can be reached at bblams@gmail.com.