14 Ways to know if you are Ready for a Relationship

14 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP
By: Debbie Dodge, PhD, LPC, CHLC

1. Will I be happy if I do not find a relationship? Happiness has to come from within ourselves. Otherwise, we will cling to the relationship as our source of happiness, identity and fulfillment. Losing that relationship will create an identity loss, creating a situation where people will cling to a relationship that is emotionally killing them, instead of understanding when it is time to let go.

2. Do I have a full understanding of my identity as a person? Knowing who you are, what you stand for, what your values are, what your hopes and dreams are, what your goals are, and being grounded and confident in these things is an important process to go through before choosing a mate. Why? Because you will tend to become who the other person wants you to be and take on their values and cling to them as a big part of your identity. You may not even realize it is happening! Having a deep, loving relationship does not mean you give up your life for the other. A healthy relationship thrives on individual strengths, originality, and creativity. It is important to have your own hobbies, friends, and interests as well as share some with your partner. It is not healthy to be joined at the hip! People need their space and room to grow as individuals, within the relationship.

3. Have I made a list of what I want in a partner? Most people do not sit down and write down what types of values they need their partner to have or the qualities that are important to them. When you neglect to do this, you set yourself up for meeting a person, becoming blinded by love, and then never really looking deeply for the qualities that are important to you.

4. Have I made a list of things I will absolutely not tolerate in a partner? This question is even more important than number 5 because what you cannot tolerate in a partner are things that will eventually lead to the dissolution of the relationship. Things in this category should include things like emotional and physical abuse, infidelity, addictions, etc. We all have different standards and values, so think hard as you make this list. If we do not know what we will not tolerate, we may end up with it!

5. Am I able to trust? We are living in a world where trust can be scary. We may have grown up in homes where we could not even trust the ones who are supposed to love us the most. Or we may have been betrayed by someone we dearly loved. There are many things that can happen to people to make them wary of deeply trusting someone with the deep intimacy of a romantic relationship. If trust is an issue, make sure to discuss it with your potential partner and know that trust comes slowly sometimes and you may need professional counseling to help you get past your fear.

6. Am I confident in who I am and where I want to go in life? It is impossible to know exactly what course your life will take you. However, it is still important to have goals that can lead you in your general direction. Being confident in yourself, your abilities, your choices, your goals, and your sense of value are aspects of confidence that will help keep you from making mistakes in judgment. How much do you value yourself? Do you really believe you deserve to have a relationship with that person you dream about?

7. Am I self-sufficient and able to take care of myself without the help of a partner? Being emotionally and financially able to leave a relationship, if needed, is vitally important. You should never have to endure bullying or abuse of any type by the person you are committed to loving. Sometimes people change, sometimes affairs occur, sometimes partners start using control of money or emotions to get their way. Do not be in a situation where you feel you have to stay in a relationship because you have been emotionally or financially blackmailed. Some people thrive on power and control, but you might not see that part of them until later in the relationship.

8. Do I understand my motives for wanting a relationship and are those motives healthy for both you and the partner you choose? If you are a guy, are you looking for someone to clean and cook for you, or care for your children? If you are a woman, are you looking for someone to pay your bills and support your children? For those looking for a relationship, beware of a partner who may be thinking along those lines. If your motives are anything besides love for that person, it could turn into a serious problem down the road.

9. Am I able to take responsibility for my own behavior and choices? It is inevitable that you and your partner will get into an argument at some point, which is just the way relationships of any kind evolve. When two people argue, they also tend to try and defend themselves. If you are not able to take responsibility for your own part in a problem, your problems will not go away. And, if you take responsibility for your partner’s behavior or choices, you will be enabling him or her and it will cause resentment in the long run.

10. Am I able to let my potential partner be who he or she is without trying to change them? Trying to force change on someone is not the way to get change. This could also cause bitterness. Ask yourself why you want them to change in the first place. Do you want them to be more like you? Trust me; you really do not want that! If distribution of chores or money or any other relationship issue (raising children) comes about that you absolutely have to have changed, communicate with your partner. Problem solve! If he or she is not willing to problem solve a problem in the relationship, you may need to consider couples therapy or dissolving the relationship. Maybe the solution is simpler than you think. If your problem is distribution of chores, maybe your partner is willing to hire a maid to clean and cook so neither one of you has to be bogged down by this issue. In a loving, committed relationship, solutions can be found, but be willing to compromise.

11. Am I able to let go if the relationship does not work? Do you understand your own relationship style? Are you clingy, desperate, and play the martyr in relationships? Or are you distant, demanding, and take advantage of your partner? Or maybe you have balance and are a mixture of the two. Know your style and find balance. If you are clingy and desperate, or even distant and demanding, you will eventually drive the partner away. Be willing to leave the relationship if you know it is the best for you.

12. Do I understand my own coping style and how that may affect my partner? How do you handle anger, hurt, or irritation? Do you start blaming, yelling, hurling insults, or do you walk away, sulk, and give the silent treatment? Maybe you tell your partner how you are feeling and communicate your emotions and your thoughts about what is happening. How you react will impact your relationship either to the positive or to the negative. Responding in a negative way will normally start a cycle of negative interactions, thus making the whole situation worse and putting a wedge in the relationship. That wedge will gradually expand if not taken care of.

13. Do I understand that it is not my partner’s responsibility to make me happy; happiness has to come from within? No one is responsible for your happiness but yourself. Putting that burden on someone else is not healthy for you or the other person. Happiness comes from your spirit. If your spirit is not alive and joyful, you may want to take a look at why. Have you injured your spirit in some way? Are you ignoring your spirit?

14. Am I willing to take chances and let the other person see me for who I am? Usually the first few months of a relationship consist of each partner acting on their best behavior. They really do not want to take a chance of doing or saying anything that will drive the other person away. However, it is important to be real and not waste time being someone you aren’t. It is better to cut the relationship short than to get hurt in the end. Being loved for the person you really are is what real love is all about!

For the complete Holistic Relationship Workbook, as well as a large variety of other self-help workbooks, go to www.lotusholisticlife.com